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Dear Diary,

I was so excited for my husband to come home after so many days away. The day went well, for the most part. Until bedtime. Until I had to make the toddler sleep in her bed after three nights of sleeping in my bed because of her lack of voice and fevers. Until the oldest tried to make me believe she wiped half of an eyebrow away by just rubbing it… Until my husband asked a jackass question.

“What would you think about me going to teach in Micronesia?”

The previous 5 days had been hard. Stressful. Sleepless. I had a screaming toddler that demanded I sing her to sleep and a tween lying about an eyebrow, I was at my parental end for the day. I was on my last shred of patience and it was quickly dissolving. I felt like a failure because I was feeling pretty close to being weak. I felt like snapping was coming so I hoped everyone went to bed, quickly. I was physically worn out since we had cut and cleared several branches out of a pecan tree that weighed a few hundred pounds each. There were icky bugs and furry caterpillars everywhere. Everyone asks for mama’s help but never asks what I need help with. I was stretched thing. I missed my husband because he was gone longer than I was use to….

…. and he just #&$^%@*&^$ asked me about going out of the country?! Really?! He just mentioned leaving. Going away. Being so far away that I couldn’t get to him if I needed to, or him getting home asap if needed to. Half way around the world. In a foreign country.

I didn’t dignify that question with an answer. I was not in a mental state of mind to answer a question like that. Not in a rational and respectful way. Diary, I’ll keep to myself what was bouncing off the back of my teeth dying to come out. It was almost the last straw, my camel was already trying to lay down and he really just said that. I’m assuming from the look on his face, that the look on my face just have been somewhere between are you shitting me and what the heck did you just say to me?!… my eyes may have rolled back into my head.

I know that in that moment he hadn’t even considered how much the previous days had taken from me. The thought that maybe this wasn’t exactly the optimal time to ask, hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had no thoughts bouncing around about how I was feeling at the moment and how that would project onto just about anything he asked me right then.

Keeping all of the ugly thoughts from spewing out of my mouth over an innocent question was hard to do. Now that I think back, my answer would still be the same but my tone would be a lot different. Maybe its selfish but I’m pretty sure the answer would be the same if roles were reversed, that cancels out any claims of selfishness. Goose/gander…all that good birds of a feather thing.

I think I survived the day without losing my mind.
Thank God.
xo

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