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Inside of this seemingly rational behaving body, is a totally irrational lunatic. I often wonder if everyone else is secretly as irrational as I am. I have some pretty irrational, off the wall, make me wonder if I am certifiable on paper bonkers thoughts. Of course I keep them to myself, or sometimes share with the FF. All women are crazy, if you’re a woman and that offends you… you’re a closet crazy. We ALL have a touch of crazy, some just have an abundance of it.

I woke up this morning with some pretty strange feelings. I’m mad and sad. Maybe I had some of those strange dreams, or maybe it is because today would have been my niece’s 4th birthday (she passed away at 2 months and that is a whole other story, I can’t manage it today) or maybe it is because it is September, and September 11th is just around the corner. That is always enough to cause me to feel sick.

I know that a lot of wives of Firemen who committed to firefighting post 9-11 have fears related to that awful day. Me? Not really. As odd as that may sound, that day doesn’t make me worry about him any more. It could be because down here, the worst calls my husband has seen are wrecks. I don’t too much worry about my husband and fires. He LOVES to learn and is constantly taking some class, teaching a class or signing up for a class. He is like a certificate hoarder, and just can’t get enough. I think his goal is to wall paper the house in them someday, maybe by the time he is 30! I’m kidding, but he does love it. I pretty much trust the men at the station. I know that if someone does something that could jeopardize someone’s life, my husband will bring it up. He’s just a Firefighter but he doesn’t mind stepping on his Captain’s toes if he feels he needs to push an issue. I HAVE to trust his shift, after all they do all hold each other’s lives in their hands. I don’t think too often about roofs collapsing on him or one of the other guys, or an explosion of some sort… those are the worst case scenario I’ve allowed myself to think about when it comes to fire. With that said, maybe I block out my rational fears and replace them with irrational ones. Sounds logical.

I’m more afraid that my FF will be in a wreck. In a fire truck, his personal vehicle, an ambulance… Some drunk driver, lunatic kid in a fast car or some wild and out crotch rocket is going to cause an accident and he will be involved. He did total out his personal truck a few years back, on the way to a fire, when the truck in front of him realzied the turn was RIGHT HERE and got down on the breaks. It was truck, or ditch. He chose ditch, only it came with a tree. Knocked his shoes right off his feet! EMS calling me from HIS cell phone was a freaky, freaky thing. We had only been dating 4 months. I knew I was in too deep with that boy when I beat them to the hospital. He was fine, I was slowly calming down. I suppose the odds of him dying in a wreck are higher than anything fire related, given the call volume here, so maybe it isn’t so irrational. We have structure fires but most of them are unoccupied. Just the amount of time I spend on thinking about his safety behind the wheel is crazy… He was only on the department for a week or so when he got a call that was horrifying for the whole department. Tones dropped for EVERYONE in that county. All substations were en route to HQ for training for the day when an accident happened. An accident involving a fire truck! A long time FF was coming up to the station when it just so happened a truck driver was about to run a stop sign. When the truck ran the stop sign, he plowed into the fire truck. I just can’t imagine how if the FF had decided to leave a minute before or after he had, he would be ok! It was a bad, bad wreck. The truck driver passed away, he burned up. I don’t know if he has a medical issue, fell asleep, or what caused the accident. The FF was saved. My husband spent his morning manning a hose to keep the flames down while they pulled the FF from the truck. He never returned to work, he has several crushed bones, teeth and problems that he cannot function as a FF. He is still part of the Department “Family” but his career was over.

My phone rang that afternoon and it was the Chief. It is a terrifying feeling for the Fire Chief to call you. I can’t say that when watching Ladder 49, when I see that red car pull up and I see her face. She knows what happened and I cry every single time. Luckily, he was calling to tell me that after clean up and trying to salvage anything off the fire truck, a battery had exploded and acid had gotten into my husband’s eyes. They were at the ER and he was ok, but I was going to have to come drive him home. My God, for a second I freaked out but with some eye drops and no contacts for two weeks, he was fine and so were his peepers. This was a few weeks into my FF’s career and two weeks before we got married. I’ve been more afraid of freak accidents than fires. Afraid a deer might run out in front of him causing him to hit a tree. He HAS hit two deer within a year, but no trees were involved!

I try not to worry but I do a lot of texting and calling when I know he has had time to make it where he is going. I have to know he made it safe, when he is on his way home and I WILL be calling if too much time passes. Today just feels weird, one of those weirds that I hope passes soon.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I laugh saying this because all fire wives know that there is no such thing as a weekend to a firefighter. All days feel the same to me now. Until next time!