, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?  I have to warn you, I have no idea where this is going.  I have a lot of thoughts about this.  Please proceed with caution, it may get pretty graphic.  I also want to point out that I would never intentionally offend anyone with anything about this day.

My heart goes out to each and every person that has direct ties to this day.  To those who lost someone important, or even a piece of themselves.  For anyone who had to witness such an act of terror.  For those who rushed to help.  Victims, survivors and all of those who love both.

I’ll never forget.  I was 20 years old, had just recently had a baby and was babysitting.  My mama called and told me to turn on the news.  I turned it on and was shocked but didn’t know what was going on yet.  I was terrified.  As I watched, it didn’t occur to me that this was reality.  Of course I was seeing it on the news, but I wasn’t really SEEING it.  The extent of how dramatic this was about to become wasn’t apparent yet.    I hadn’t met my now husband and at this time, he didn’t know he would be a Firefighter/EMT.  I didn’t know that it would mean a lot more to me later on in life.

I continue to be heartbroken, disgusted and pissed off about it.    The truth is more than those thousands of people have died, more than those 400 and some odd first responders have died, more than the 343 Firefighters and I’m sure more civilians.  They continue to die from exposure to hazardous materials that have cancer ridden their bodies.  This is the part that pisses me off the most, THEY ARE STILL DYING.   They killed us once and continue to do so.

Sometimes I watch footage from 9-11 on youtube.  I know, that sounds disturbing and maybe disgusting but I don’t want to forget just what really happened.  I don’t want to dilute myself.  I don’t want that emotion to pass.  I don’t want the wounds to heal.  I want to remember and always hold empathy for those it hit most.  The hardest thing to watch isn’t the planes crashing into the towers, the towers collapsing or people weeping in the streets.  The worst part of that day for me to watch are those people who were flocking to windows trying to breathe as the buildings were filling with smoke.  They were clinging to window seals, hanging out, literally dying for fresh air.  Then, the most graphic real life thing I have ever seen, are those who just couldn’t take it and were jumping from windows.  Jumping from dozens of stories up and free-falling to their deaths.  This speaks so loud to me.  This breaks my heart.  They were just jumping.  That is a long way to fall.  I wonder what they were thinking.  This is where I am a glutton for heartache, I think way too much.  What passed through their minds as they jumped?  Maybe the fear and anxiety was just too much and they didn’t want to wait to die.  Did any of them think they would survive the fall?   The hardest part for me is wondering what they were thinking.  Thinking that someone was dying afraid is something that causes me to be an emotional wreck.  If I had the power, everyone would die in their sleep, unknowing.

I pray that the family and friends of all who passed have found a way to cope with the loss.  There is no moving on when so many people were ripped right out of lives. Forgiveness is essential.  Forgiveness is the only thing that can help soothe the pain.  I didn’t lose anyone personally that day, so I know it is easier said than done.    I don’t have anyone who is suffering with PTSD or cancer from the aftermath.  I have a heart who feels for each and every one who died, who lives and who continues to give.  I love each and every one of them.    While every single person who died that day are important, the Firefighters are near and dear to my heart.  I pray God blesses them all, heals them all though.  Every last person who was involved in any way that day.  I wish I could stand in line and hug each and every person.  I wish I could take the pain away.  I wish I could make it go away.  I wish wishes were real, but since they aren’t, we are left with the energy we put out in the world.  For me, I pray.  I forgive.  I try to remember to live as others should live.  Forgiving someone/something doesn’t mean it was ok, it means that you refuse to allow the hate they felt fuel hate in yourself.  Please be angry, be pissed off, but don’t fill your heart with hate.  If you want to hate, hate the Devil.  I won’t make this religious but I will say that nothing this evil come from anywhere other than the pits of Hell.  Everyone should spend all the time with loved ones they can.  Make memories.  Spread LOVE.  LOVE, unconditional love is what this world needs.   I did not cheer when Bin Laden was found and killed; NO death is to be celebrated.  Being free from the evil a person holds inside IS something to celebrate.  It was a relief and I can only imagine how those impacted most felt.  That isn’t the end though.  This doesn’t end, it’s in the books.

My husband and I plan on giving blood today.  I’ve never donated blood.  I’m always sick or unavailable during blood drives.  Today I donate in HONOR of our Firefighter’s fallen brothers and sisters.  For those that are gone but will never, in the history of man, be forgotten.   For those who will always continue run in when everyone else is running out.  For those who have the courage, even when afraid.  The strength when we are all weak.  The love of humanity, regardless of personal preference.   May God bless them all.

While we spend this day in remembrance of all those who have passed, served and leave a legacy behind in our History books, let us also remember to thank everyone.  Thank you to those who immediately had the reaction to help, instead of run away.  Thank you for those who refused to leave anyone behind.  Thank you to the FDNY, for rushing in and being what true heroes are.  Thank you to the law enforcement, the locals, the Pentagon, the people aboard the flights who tried to save themselves and others, thank you to any and every one who was selfless that day.  I can’t say if I could ever be that selfless unless I was thrust into that situation.  Thank you to the dispatchers than managed to maintain themselves and do only what they knew to do.  I cannot imagine the heartache they must all feel.   I think they  are often forgotten, but they played a large role that day.  Also our Military who have continued to give their lives and time.  Thank you to those who have served, are serving and will serve.  You are appreciated, loved and thanked.