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Support systems, especially with people who help you out, are important. I wish I had one.

I don’t have parents who help pay my bills, baby sit or even come over that often. My siblings… Let’s just keep it safe with I do let them babysit every now and when I just really need it, and usually I require that it is at MY house. My FF’s mother passed away before I met him, his father is socially awkward. I’m don’t really know a lot about him besides I say more in one day that I have heard him say in 7 years. His siblings both currently live out-of-state. I have several grandparents and he has a grandmother living, but none are capable of keeping the youngest. Anyone we trust to keep the kids are busy bees like he is or always have someone else’s kids!

I can’t get help with doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, running errands, so I can just forget getting any help for anything I WANT. Like kidless time with my husband, we all need this sometimes and we barely get it. No one offers to keep the kids for anything. I can’t go to anything fire related because my 2-year-old is an average 2-year-old. I don’t even go to church anymore. I haven’t been in I know 6 months because getting up and trying to get breakfast, three people ready with no help and make it on time was getting ridiculous. Now my youngest daughter has started becoming easier, I need to get back. The FF is usually always working, or wants to be lazy.

My FF will keep the kids for me to go to town sometimes but then I feel so weird being by myself that it just sucks. I’d rather be with him. I could go with a friend, but they all suck too!

My mother will babysit, I usually like her to come to MY house to do it. They smoke in their house… when we do go over, my mom smokes outside, but we all know the dangers still lurk in the house. I can’t get comfortable when I’m there. I feel guilty taking the kids. It doesn’t help she usually has one or all of her other grandchildren. I guess maybe I should move into their front yard or within a mile from them and then I could mooch like they do. I could never buy tin foil, napkins or ziplock bags again because I could just let my mother buy them and walk over. I could just plan to do what ever I wanted to because I could just drop my kids off at her house, even if she doesn’t want to babysit, because obviously all it takes is being a pushy brat who tattles on her to our dad.

I’m serious. I kind of don’t have a LOT to do with my family. Mainly because I don’t really like all the drama of siblings. Two sisters between 24 and 27. One, I never see… because he is either on a drug binge or in jail for trying to rob a drive through. 28. No lie. I’ve tried but I can’t watch anyone treat my mother like she is the scum of the Earth. I can’t listen to you tell me how you’re cheating on your husband (MY BIL and your kid’s father), in his bed, all the while you think it is ok. I don’t think it’s ok and I won’t pretend just because you’re my sister! I can’t be in the same room with someone who runs to their daddy and lays on the crap about how bad she is treated. I can’t do it. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest. Maybe it is because they are my half siblings, I have two other half siblings and nieces but I don’t’ exactly have a relationship with them. I am on speaking terms with my father via Facebook, and we’re not close at all. The druggie jail bird brother, is my step brother. I don’t know what it’s like to have a normal relationship with a sibling. They say I think I am better, I say I can look back to where I come from and know that I never want to go back. Never. That should be a bad thing. If my husband dies today, his life insurance would pay off everything we own, including the house and I would get two jobs if I had to, just to never have to go back to living that life.

I have no friends I can count on. I NEVER ask for anything, so you can bank that when I do, I really mean it. After months of no one talking to me unless they want to know something about school because our kids attend the same school, or what all the sirens were about because my husband is a FF/EMT, want me to Google something (I shiz you not!) or something else ridiculous. My favorite is saying they are coming over or making plans with me, then not hearing a word. No sorry can’t make it text. No ooooops, I forgot. NOTHING. That one is my absolute favorite. Never anything about what I am up to or how I am. I got tired of caring for people who obviously don’t have time to care back. I’m not going to ask you how you are every week or so just for a crappy reply and nothing in return. I don’t know what other people call friends, but I have never had that one, life long, BFF, by my side, call at 2 am if I need to friend. They think they are but I can’t tell you when the last time someone checked on me was. This makes me sad because I’m too old to make new friends. I wish I could clone me, because I think I make a great friend to people who appreciate things. I’m not going to kiss @$$ or watch you be self-destructive or illegal. I expect morals and standards, maybe this is where I go wrong! Maybe I’m too jaded by people to make new friends. I’ve become content with my husband being my BFFL, because I force him to and force him to listen to my lame stories, my jive jokes and even drag him to the movies to watch Twilight because who the hell else am I going to go with? Ok, I only have to force him to do a few things, he usually wants to do things with me, which I am so glad.

Where would I be in this life without my husband? He is the only person I trust 100% with anything. I don’t feel comfortable with anyone like him, besides my kids, but they were birthed by me. I hope I keep that closeness with my kids. Without him, I would be so lost. This may be why I tend to believe that he WILL come home from every shift. He will be safe. Protected. He has to, he is all I have. He IS my support.

I can’t lie, I envy those with help. Any little thing that people regularly get help with, I envy it. I had all these people telling me there were going to babysit while pregnant with my last child, she is now 2.5 and they haven’t. People with parents who get their kids every weekend, kill me. Especially when they complain about things. All I want is at least some sympathy from someone. Maybe I am having a pity party, or maybe the people in my life SUCK at helping. It’s a tough life being a firefighter’s wife, at least more so while the kids are small.

I also find support in knowing that it will NOT always be this way.

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