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Somedays living the fire life feels like I’m just asking for a mental breakdown. In the beginning I think it will pass soon, in the middle I feel like I am at a breaking point, and by the end I feel so relieved it’s over and wonder why I got my panties so jacked up to start with.

I have had a horrible week. I hadn’t had much time with my husband, literally a couple of hours all week. With the kids being sick or just plain ill and everything else that was expected of me this week, I all but had a breakdown. It’s been so long since I’ve been here, it still sucks.

Men aren’t mind readers and no matter how smart a man is, he just won’t get it unless you spell it out for him. Preferably on paper, and then mention it occasionally so he remembers to read it. No lie. I’m not sure how much more blunt I can be sometimes, it isn’t that he doesn’t listen, I think that it’s just that I put up such a strong front most of the time that he honestly thinks I am that strong. We’ve been so snappy with each other lately, no talking just snapping. It gets rough living this life, falling out of touch. It happens to the best of them. You spend a few days apart, life goes on and the devil wraps you up in his little evil plan. Before you know it, you’re taking it all out on the one person who you are most comfortable with. That’s how I see it anyway. It’s just so easy for us to place it all on each other, because we know we’ll forgive each other at the end of the day. Because we know that when everything else fades, love is still there.

I have been praying for a friend. A real life, in person, someone who can physically be in my presence friend. Someone who isn’t a gossip and is encouraging. Someone who is a good influence on my life. I love my one “internet” BFF but it isn’t the same. My real life friends aren’t the things I am looking for. I need someone who will bring out the best in me, someone I can aspire to be like. Someone who loves God, family and life. Maybe I’m asking for too much, maybe someone like this doesn’t exist but I am asking with all of my heart. I not only want someone like this, I NEED them. I will try to keep my eyes open, you never know what you’re going to get when you ask for something. As I was just typing this I realized that I may be selfish. My husband probably needs one of these as much.

I had a heart to heart with my FF last night. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable enough with to break down to, besides him. When it’s him that I’m conflicted with, I have no one to go to. I can go to the fire wives and I am 100% certain they will understand, but they can’t hug me. They can’t squeeze me and tell me I’m just being a freak and to relax. My husband doesn’t have this either. I have next to no one, he literally only has me. I am the only person he feels comfortable enough with to be open. I am the only normal relationship he has, and he is the only person I have a normal relationship with. I know this sounds odd to people but every relationship is different. This works for us, but I wish we at least had a couple that we could both relate to. We don’t usually do anything apart other than shifts, grocery store or if I have an event to help with. (Like yesterday’s baby shower for my sister.) We don’t go to town without the other one. We don’t go to things people invite us to unless both of us can go, and take the kids because we literally have no one to babysit too often. We’ve been like this since the beginning. We’ve lived all the crazy life, he doesn’t hunt and we just like being together. Even when we’re mad. People have been known to say we’re “stuck up each other’s butts”, so be it… it’s how we function best.

I guess I should be praying for US to find a friend. Either separately or a couple. People who are trustworthy. I just don’t know how this will work. I don’t know who my husband’s last best friend was. When I met him he just had a bunch of “friends” who liked him because he would buy things, take them places and they all just partied all the time. Those aren’t friends. No one called when he stopped hanging out with them. Not one was a good influence. I feel like they weren’t so much using him, but he was there and they liked to party. End of story. Mine on the other hand, I guess life has spread us out. I might be wrong but I don’t really care how far life spaces your relationship, if you have time for me when YOU need someone you should have time when you don’t need me. I know life gets busy but we all know that Facebook is the devil and I see who goes where, does what, posts what…. we all have a lot of free time we waste. I eventually got tired of checking on people and trying to set up things. Screw all that causing myself anxiety. They can just stay busy. I think back and I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend like I am looking for, other than my husband.

My husband is my best friend, and I am ok with that if I never find another friend in my life. He just doesn’t know how to comfort. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do. He doesn’t know how to do it. I mean, really? Just hug me. Say everything will be fine. Tell me I’m strong and will make it. Do something sweet. When his mother passed, no one talked to them about it. Asked how they were doing or how they felt. No one babied them like I think they should have been. Maybe this is why. He’s never really been shown compassion. All he knows is I’m sorry and hugs. It gets so frustrating but it’s just him. He just doesn’t know! I guess I will try to teach him. That is a good back up plan. He hasn’t hit 30 yet, maybe he is still trainable 😉

I’m glad we talked last night.
He is a good man, he just doesn’t know how to show it.
I’m a crazy woman, and just don’t know how to contain it.
This life is hard but I am determined to be stronger.

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