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I am really struggling with having to be so independent ALL of the time. I am tired. I am lonely. I am sad. I am ready for a few good days to break this bleak stretch we’re in. I am really struggling and need relief.

I do not feel like I am 31 tonight. I feel like I’m 5 and my siblings are getting all of the good toys, all of the best snacks and the pick of the movie every night. I want a night off. I want a date. A hot meal. A clean house. Completely done laundry. Actually get dressed, do my hair and wear makeup. Have a social life. Do I go on, or do you see that I am being a completely immature horrible adult.

I feel like I’ve always had to be more mature than my age. I have an 11 yo daughter and I can’t imagine her having the responsibility that I had at her age. Being responsible for 3 other kids after school every day, doing laundry and often cooking supper because both parents worked. I was always a good kid. Rarely got into trouble. Rarely had a sassy mouth. Was driving my dad home from 25 miles away every Saturday night when we went to an auction while he slept in the passenger seat.

My younger sister is 24 and just had her second child. She lives with her baby daddy. His parents live right across the road. Yet she needs our mother to come spend the night with her so she can “get some sleep”. So my mother took all week off to help baby her. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is great that people help others but others should also help themselves. It would have been nice when I had my first born to have a little help but I was sent home with a 8lb baby with no clue other than maternal instincts and a husband who we won’t even start on.

I’ve never really had help. Is t because am so self-sufficient? Maybe because I’m self-reliant? Because I never ask for help except when I really need it? It would be nice to be able to call my mother for help, but she is doing something for her other adult kids DAILY. The same kids who constantly get money, bills paid, groceries, diapers and a free babysitter a few times a week. To hear them tell it, NO ONE helps them do a thing… seriously. I’d love to be able to as my MIL but she died in 2002. My siblings are out of the question to babysit, even trying to trade out sitting doesn’t work fairly with them. My FF’s siblings are all out-of-state and he doesn’t have any family around here besides an aunt and uncle that I am sure would babysit, if he’d only ask… but HE would have to ask and that isn’t likely. All of the people who were so quick to say they wanted to babysit once my last one come along have since found amnesia.

The FF has been on 4 back to back 24s, today is his last. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough. I miss him. I miss adult conversation. I miss someone who actually cares. This has just been a bunch of whining but I think we all deserve to whine from time to time as long as it isn’t a habit.

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