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I don’t need therapy.  Isn’t that what every terrified person says?  I most likely, along with anyone who has ever said that, could benefit from a little.

I’ve been doing self therapy since around 2005.  Blogging was very freeing, until the site I used died.  It literally died, taking everything with it.  I’ve since forgotten what happened, but I’ve kept the want to blog with me.  Blogging during the darkest times in my life, helped tremendously.

Life isn’t so dark anymore.  I have my own little dysfunctional family, that is absolutely perfect for me.  I have a great husband who never makes me feel like anything is my fault, apologizes when he should and takes care of his family.  I have two pretty healthy kids.  We don’t have to sit and cry financially, although we don’t roll around nakkie in the dough either.  I am doing ok!  I try to pay things forward as much as I can and the last few weeks I have been able to do things that make me want to scream, HO HO HO MERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!  Pay every blessing forward guys, it’s a second blessing in disguise!

I don’t like black and white pictures.  I want it to be vibrant!  Unfortunately, even in full color there are shades of gray.  Those spots of uncertainty and sometimes really ugly places in life.

I’ve managed to let a lot of things from the past go.  I’ve managed to train myself to not hold my firefighter responsible for the cracks caused by others.  The gaps in my security, my esteem and my heart.  I’ve been working on letting him fill those cracks, but not all spaces can or are meant to be filled.

It’s hard for me to know what someone wants from me unless they tell me.  I’m a pretty straight forward person.  I’m awkward as hell, but I mean what I say and don’t know why others can’t do that.  I’m really not that complicated, I ask for what I want and tell you what I need.  That is it

Meet my mother.
Let’s go back to 1980.  17 years old.  A virgin. Until the night she conceived me that is.  Aren’t I a special door prize?  That took some time to get over.  I also felt like due to my mother’s lack of affection, that I was resented.  I don’t feel like this anymore, especially after learning her mother wasn’t affectionate with them either. I am not a great mother, I yell and say bad things sometimes, I am working on this so very hard but it takes working on myself deeply.  I do hug my kids.  Tell them I love them.  Try to let them be who they are, without me trying to make them be who I want.  I tell my kids goodnight.  I make sure to tell them I love them again, and again.  Everyone in my house is told several times a day, “I love you.”

I’m sure it was a less than grand surprised.  She found out she was pregnant.  My Father proposed.  She said no.  He moved away.  He moved away.  HE MOVED AWAY.  Just left.  How do you just leave?  Being a parent now my self, twice, I can not imagine walking away.  Maybe it is different because I knew my children 9 months before the world did, but I still can not imagine leaving a child.

The story between then and now has always been so blurry from each side.  He didn’t care.  He tried but didn’t want to make life hard for me.  He was the best man on earth.  He was a POS.  No one ever just told me the flat out truth, even to this day.  I don’t care anymore.  It’s done.

Of course, I think that there will always be a small child in me that feels like I was never important enough.  I was a huge mistake.  I was nothing more than an accident that changed lives that weren’t even born yet.  Lives that were years and years away would be, and have been, affected.  I have always been insecure, unsure and lonely.  Always.  Although I have worked a TON of kinks out of my life, I think there will always be a tender spot that will never heal.

I use to blame my parents.  I blamed him.  HIM.  I didn’t meet my father until I was 18 years old.  To this day, I feel like such a huge disappointment.  I’ll never, in a million years, be good enough.  Open enough.  Daughter enough.  He’s never said any of these things, I just gather them.   It always seems like I don’t give enough.  I don’t know what he wants, because he is a person who speaks in riddles and jokes…….  I get my sense of humor from him, that is for sure.  All it takes is you telling me what you expect.

Personally, all I expect is casual contact.  We’ll never be father and daughter.  It just isn’t ever going to feel that way.  His wife speaks to me.  His two sons are a different story.  Both married.  One has two daughters.  I’d like to say I have two nieces, but I’m not sure that I’m allowed to say that.  I only know their names from Facebook, which I am not “friends” with either brother.  One doesn’t have FB and the other must just not want anything to do with me.  Ouch.  Stings a tiny bit.  Then again, that’s one less person I can let down…… right???

Awkward relationships for me come to follow.  I didn’t trust a soul with my innocence!  I PROUDLY graduated high school a virgin, unlike 98% of my friends and classmates.  I was not only saving myself but I was terrified to the core to have a baby.  Then what happens?   I was in a relationship that was less than great.  I graduate high school, get pregnant at the age of 19 and have my daughter at 20.  Married her POS father when she was 2 weeks old, thinking I would grow to be happy.  Afterall, he proposed high as a kite, how could I say no to that romantic bullshit?  Because I didn’t feel any better.

I wasn’t any better because I didn’t allow myself to be.  I was just going through life as I had to.  I was only what I could allow myself to be and that was just a small notch above nothing.

The next two years go by.  God, looking back I can not imagine why I allowed my life to be like this.  I can’t count the times we moved.  I can’t count how many times I was left feeling horrible.  I can’t count how many times his friends or family would tell me how badly I was seen as being treated.  I didn’t see it all, until it was too late.  Then he was so angry about a family member coming to me, that he still thinks we had something going on.  NEVER.  He was just pissed off that everyone saw him for what he was and clued me in.

Too long of being trapped at home with no car.  No money.  Not allowed to work.  Pretty much confined to the house unless with him.  I didn’t even have a phone for God’s sake.  Nothing.  Nothing but a master.  I didn’t even see it til it was pointed out.  Why didn’t I see it?

The last straw for me was an actual straw.  A 3 inch straw I found on my kitchen counter after being away for a weekend, filled with white dust.   He had a few kids over, his age but in college, and apparently they had a lot of…. “fun”.  I was highly pissed since the possibility of my kid happening onto this straw and possible ingesting whatever it was full of.  The story was it was adhd meds some guy crusted and snorted.   I was so far gone by this time, I just wanted out and felt so trapped.  I hated everything about my life besides my job and my kid.  He never come home.  Gambled his paycheck away.  His phone was ringing all hours of the night.   Supposedly not a her.

No long after, he said we were moving three hours away, where his mommy lived.  I said no.  He said he’d go without us.  I said YOU DO THAT, I’LL BE AT MY MAMA’S before you can even get off work.  He was for sure I was bluffing.

I bet he thought he was calling my bluff.  Joke was on him, I was so dead serious.  I was gone, never looked back.  I grew strong and stood up for one of the first times in my life.  Then it was…  Her. The divorce was long and ugly, as he had his now wife living in my house a week after I left.  Someone who didn’t even have custody of her own kids.  Whole other story… not going there today.

Lots of time in court and having papers drawn and restraining orders.
Lots of chasing child support.
Lots of battling lies he was telling to make himself feel better.
Lots of his mother who once loved me, trying to battle to the death.
Lots of love from some of his family.
Lots of support from mine.
Lots of questions and fear.
Lots of depending on others, which I hated.

Not long after, my boss made a disgusting advance towards me, involving money.  I was so upset I left and never went back.  He ruined my job.  I had no choice but to quit.   Due to state laws and lack of money, I hit a brick wall trying to have something done about it.  I won’t go into how stupid it is for there to be an employee minimum to file complaints.  For the love of God he was 70 and married.  I quit.  I was then single, with child, living with my parents, jobless…  My whole life was nothing but a pile of it.  I needed my job.

Two months pass and I find a new job. ( The one I stayed at until I had my last child.  That job was a blessing in my time of need and they got to watch my divorce and my married, and my youngest blessing too.  )

It was years before I found my missing piece.  My other half.  My heart.  He isn’t perfect, as no one person on Earth is, but he is perfect for me.  God, I thank God every day for him.

My firefighter has come in and knocked down this fire that was burning me alive.  He has calmed me and the process to feeling whole has started.  It hasn’t been easy.  My poor husband has been held responsible for every man in my life that has caused me such damage.  He has point blank held me responsible for doing that too.  He has helped me so much, I can’t even begin to explain.

I can’t be perfectly put together.  There will always be obvious scars but I can come close.  I don’t have to sit and burn anymore.  Wonder if I am good enough.  Want to feel needed and wanted.  I didn’t know what happy was until him.

 

Now that this has taken two days and strayed so far off path of what my original post was in my head, I am a broken person, healing.  I am crazy.  I am damaged.  I am fully aware of when I feel this way and why I feel this way and why I shouldn’t allow it to control me.  I didn’t intend on this going where it did, but it did and it’s taken too long to pour out to no post.

This is a little bit of ME on this page today.  Do you see a little bit of you?

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