Well, we survived the end of the world. 12/21/12 came and went, no mayhem. I didn’t get to use my bug out bag or stock pile of rice and beans. 🙂 I guess I have them for the next forecasted end. One day left in 2012, bring it on!
2012 has been a decent year for me. Nothing spectacular, but also nothing tragic personally. I’ve shed lots of tears over heartbreaking things that have happened over the course of this year. I’ve been excited. I’ve laughed. I could list a ton of things that happened this year, but I won’t. My family is all here and healthy. I am blessed, truly.
The most important thing about this year is that I changed. I found a group and within three months, I had let go of something that had been eating away at me being a firefighter’s wife. I found a comfort that I have nestled down in, and a group of women are to thank. Please visit FireFighterWife.com for more details on how to join their Facebook page and the private Facebook group specifically for wives, fiance and girlfriends ONLY of firemen! I was stuck in this mind frame of mental issue, and it was like an eye-opening experience for me. It’s been so great!
Let’s go back to the moment I was conceived for the very first time a man let me down, fill in my whole life with family and boyfriends who were so disappointing I won’t bore you with the list, until you get to my first marriage.
Whole life, nothing but a lot of unfaithful, abusive, absent and selfish men. First husband? I picked a winner, a small combination of them all.
At the age of 23, I had given up on any man being a real man. I’d given up on what every little girl dreams of marrying. I’d let go of my child having a decent father. Men, no good men.
I’d spent a few years not dating. Meeting my now husband was so strange. We didn’t like each other, were tricked into a date and were stuck like magnets after! I felt comfortable with him and of course, was in love in no time flat! Two years later, we’re married. Then comes my second, his first, child. Good man. Good marriage. No security. I hate to say no trust, I trusted him in most ways but I was highly uncomfortable with school, EMS and working with women.
I am hanging my head in shame, as I type, so do not judge me.
I was obsessed with it. Worried about it. Stressed over it. Made myself absolutely sick over it. I even made needy attempts at trying to make sure my marriage was secure, which done no good given my state of mind. It wasn’t that I thought my husband was unhappy or would choose to be unfaithful. It was the price I was trying to make him pay, because of the actions of the sting of men in my past.
So unfair to punish someone, for someone else’s crime. If you are reading this, feeling like I am writing your story, please seek support. We can not do this to our husbands. It’s so unfair, and so very wrong.
I found this group of ladies, and lots of them were pouring out post after posts about women this or that. I began following a few blogs from firewives. I sat and thought, do I sound as needy and unsure as this Facebook post? The answer was yes and in that moment I knew that I was wrong. I had been holding my husband responsible for the fall of man! So not fair to him, or myself.
It was so eye-opening and when I realized how tragically stupid I was being with misplaced feelings, I started sorting them out. I come to a place in life that I realized I have a good husband. He isn’t perfect, he doesn’t swoon at my feet, bring me flowers weekly or speak all romantically… but he is honest, open and faithful. He is moral. He is a man. He is trustworthy.
I still get a twinge of the jealousy from time to time, but now it’s nothing I can’t choke back and say, SNAP OUT OF IT STUPID!
Single greatest thing that happened to me this year.
Single greatest thing I am most grateful for this year.
What has been your best 2012 moment?