No, Mama never told me there would be days like this.
In fact, Mama didn’t say a whole lot about nothing.
I have no stored away words of wisdom or encouragement. I have no phrase banks filled with helpful tidbits of life lessons. No well of knowledge learned the hard way, passed down, so that I may try to avoid her mistakes.
All I have is years of learning things the hard way and never being fully prepared for the world. It is almost like I spent most of my life deaf, never hearing how life would really be. Looking back now, there were no words but I’m finding words where there were none.
Mama never said that I would face heartbreak, many times, before finding the other half.
She not once told me that being strong would sometimes mean allowing yourself to appropriately fall apart and picking up the pieces.
Never did she say that you have the power to make life what you want it to be.
I never heard about expressing your feelings and openly communicating with people.
Mama never told me there would be days like this.
Mama never said much of anything. Yet in her silence, I’m just beginning to hear it all. Now that I am older, I can look back and see a story that I had no idea existed. I see the world in such a different way.
So many things she never told me.
She never told me that finding the person that you feel like you were born to love was real.
She never said that having children could be one of the most rewarding things I would ever do .
She never said that a marriage could be a wonderful thing.
She never told me that there would be days that were nothing short of amazing.
She never told me the bad things, but she also never told me the best things.
The one thing that mama did say, is the one thing that changed my life. I was in my early twenties and married to someone who was young, immature and immensely selfish. I had a small child. I was extremely unhappy and had left my husband for about the third time in a year. What she said, I based my whole decision on whether to go back or not on. You probably think that it was some grand sentence about life, but it wasn’t. She said, “You’ll go back, just like I always do.”. Eight words. Eight sad, true, painful words that told the story of what her life was and would always be because maybe her mama never told her either.
I heard those words, I saw those words and I soaked those words in. I left, for good and I never once thought about going back. The only thing she ever told me, was that I’d end up like her. I guess in never saying anything, she was telling me.
I’m glad I didn’t hear it.
Life has brought me a lot of unnecessary heartbreak because I wasn’t told about things, because of other’s selfishness and because of acceptance of “This is just how life is.” attitudes. I have a handful of flaws that are mental barriers due to of lot of lessons I learned the hardest ways.
My oldest friend told me last week that she believed I had faced all the hardships in my life to prepare me for the struggles of being a Firefighter’s Wife. Not that it is a miserable place, because even with all of the things that I may hate about it, there are more things that I love. My husband has brought me the greatest happiness that I could have never imagined, but it is a hard life sometimes. Most people outside of the fire service (or similar public safety occupations) don’t generally understand but she does.
Mama never said I’d be this happy, but I am.