Instead of playing catch up on a book I am reading (one that I will reference later!), I am sitting here with my laptop trying not to cry. To be blunt, I am a woman and women, no matter how much some of them can hide it, have crazy thoughts. These thoughts are exaggerated and intensified during certain times… assuming you’re getting that drift, THAT is me right this very moment.
I will survive this.
I will. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. Right?
I want to be horribly honest for a moment, please know that there is such deep conflict brewing inside of me and because of that, I am about to be terribly candid. There are moments that I can not stand to be in the same room as my daughter. I don’t want to see her face. I don’t want to hear her voice. I don’t want to even think about her.
Please don’t judge me too harshly just yet. Like I said, this is an overly emotional time for me. It’s always an emotional time for her. Life is tougher some days than others. I have no help. No one to come in. No one to be a good example for my children. It’s tough when all you need is to step back, yet you’re the only parent around for at least 48 hours.
We’ve reached that point in a girl’s life where a girl is trying to turn into a young lady. Only my 12-year-old has turning into a raging tween who is blatantly disrespectful and pushes every button I have. She is hateful. She yells. She slams doors. She tells me what she is and isn’t going to do. She doesn’t follow simple requests. It’s like having a very obnoxious roommate who won’t pay rent, help with chores or move out.
I don’t want her to be perfect, I do expect her to understand that there are the right ways and wrong ways to let people know you are upset with them or disagree with them. I want her to be kind, but be fun and live.
My husband handles is a lot better than I do sometimes. I’m not sure how, with her not being his biological child. He is gone so much, his little time home shouldn’t be filled with teenage craziness. My firefighter is lucky he doesn’t have to see this 24/7 and my hero for handling as well as he does.
All parents make mistakes. When you’re in the fire service and trying to be mommy and daddy, not to mention trying to keep father issues to a minimum and your child is in the phase of life where no one is right. Meh. Stab me now. If looks could kill, or at least maim, she has stabbed me visually a few times a day for the last few months. Nothing I say is right. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing is appreciated. I understand, this is mostly all teenagers, but why can’t she just go hide in her room and be a grumpy knot on a log instead of insisting on being in the same room with anyone, yet yell at them constantly. Complain constantly. Whine constantly. Cry con.stant.ly. For the love of my sanity, I just can not stand to be near her sometimes.
I can’t slap sense into her. She is too big to spank. The corner does nothing but cause her to spew like a volcano. Taking things away don’t matter. Sending her to her room doesn’t phase. Making her stay home from functions do not work. Asking her if she would rather go live with her father only turns into, “NO and you can’t make me.”. The lying. The sense of entitlement. The demanding. The “Why do you hate me”s. Oy, vey. What CAN I do? Hopefully this book, the one I should be reading, will help me control what I am dealing with so that maybe I can better cope with whatever she is dealing with.
I’m currently reading along with the Fire Wife Sisterhood of FirefighterWife.com a book called ScreamFree Parenting. “Screaming” doesn’t necessarily mean raising your voice. Screaming can be any action that hinders good results. I scream, in that sort of way, a lot. I’m feeling pretty much like a failure and even envy the fact that my husband gets to leave home and not have to deal with anything that goes with being a SAHM of a toddler and a teen.
I love my children. I genuinely love my children and want the best out of life for them but some days, I wish I could just eat them and done with it! All I expect is not be a slob and have respect. (aka, help with chores and act your age) Apparently, 12 is the new 30 because that is how she acts. It is tough when co-parenting includes a mom, step-dad who is in the fire service and bio parent that your child would never treat this way. One that doesn’t have to deal with the way she behaves. One that doesn’t have a clue how she REALLY feels about him. Why is she so afraid to hurt him, yet dumps on us? Unconditional love. Daddy issues are sure to be there. (Dear GOD, I am fearing future relationships over this). I really, truly and deeply try not to be angry that he doesn’t have to deal with any of this. That he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. That HE doesn’t have to live this every day. I try. I try my damnedest to make up for his shortcomings but it doesn’t make any difference to her, now. Maybe later in life when she is older. When she is wiser. When she grows into the woman she will be. Maybe one day she will appreciate that we are only doing what we think is right, to try to help mold her into a person she can be happy about.
I give a lot of freedom to be who you want to be, my question to myself is… have I been too free all these years? Am I to blame? Here it comes. The mom guilt. Geez. We’ll survive this, I just hope we all take valuable lessons from it.
I wonder how many Fire Wives have this mom guilt for so many reasons revolving around shift time.