Death.

Unfortunately, what I fear most in the world is wrapped up and tied with a bow since I married a firefighter.  Death is something that is unavoidable and constantly on my mind.

Strangers.  People in our hometown that we know.  A kid.  An old person at the nursing home.  Travelers far from home.  Freak accident.   It happens.  All. The. Time.  I am always hearing it.  How do they block it out?

Two years ago today, my grandpa died.
I say MY grandpa, but he was really my husband’s grandpa, but he loved us all the same.  He was a real piece of work.  Life had not been so kind to him.  He survived the death of two of his own children as infant/toddlers, his wife when cancer took her and an adult daughter when that same cancer took her.  It’s plagued  this family but luckily hasn’t taken anyone else.  He had several forms of it throughout the years himself.  I met him in 2007 and he had a feeding tube, I’m not sure how long he had it but that is how he consumed anything, EVER.  He had a hoarse voice that was sometimes hard to understand.  He was hunched over a little with a tiny frame.  He was kind and generous and accepted us.  Us including my daughter from my previous marriage.

I wasn’t really prepared for it at all.  Of course, it crossed my mind that grandparents are getting older and eventually, they are going to pass on.  We were at his house the day before and he was sleeping when we left.  It was the only time I had ever seen him sleep while company was over and the only time I had ever visited that we didn’t hug him and tell him goodbye.  I thought it was weird as we left that day.

The next morning we got a call around 5:30 am, that he had passed.  I can’t understand why I was so shocked.  I’m still kind of shocked… and still get the urge to say, “Let’s go to grandpa’s.” because we tried to go often.

I miss him.

I tell my fireman probably a dozen times a day I love him.  I have to.  What if it’s the last time I tell him that?  Life is too fragile.  I certainly don’t want to be so naive that I don’t let death cross my mind.  It doesn’t have to be a fire.  The roadways are deadly.  People are deadly.  Freaky things happen.

No matter how many people die, I just can’t wrap my head around it.  I can’t accept it and I can’t stop being afraid of it.  I can’t stop obsessing what it would be like if my husband died now or in 60 years.  How will I cope with that?

He deals with it all the time.
Death is something that is unavoidable and constantly on my mind.

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