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Such an awkward phase of life for me.
I fear this summer and the changes it brings.
Sadly, none of the changes are necessarily BAD… but from my seat it is hard to accept them right now.  I don’t like change.  I don’t like a lot of change at once.  This might be the “Summer that changed my life…”.

That is pretty dramatic, huh?

This season coming is going to be all new.  I’ve been digging my heels in trying to slow it down, but we all know that doesn’t work.  All that has done is get me all worked up over things no one else will find alarming.  I feel like I’ll be fighting it alone.

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One month from today my oldest of two daughters turns 13.  Thirteen.  A teenager.  I will be the mother of a teenager.  I was JUST a teenager myself it seems and now I am old enough to be a teen’s mother.  Why?  How?  When?  We have a lot of moments of butting heads.  Teenagers just have horrible lives.  Maybe I shouldn’t pick too much, I’m feeling some of those same feelings about change.  Not only is she becoming a young lady… she is looking like a young lady.  Oy. My. Vey!

By August not only will have I have a teenage 8th grader, I will also be sending my youngest (who is 4) to Pre-K.  The beginning of school days end the baby days.  Where did my baby go?  My last baby.  My husband’s only baby.  I worry so much.  Riding the big bus to school with sissy.  Being picked on or misunderstood because of her speech delay.  Fearing teachers will not understand her (I know, it’s a school… they have resources and she’s been getting services there one a week for over a year now anyway and already has an IEP in place).  We still have frustrated moments at home from time to time.  She has improved 500% but she still has a way to go.  It’s normal to fear.  This must be what it will feel like when I’m sending this one off to college too and becoming a real empty nester?  Will it feel worse than this?

My firefighter has been working two full-time jobs for a while.  I’m use to it for the most part but there are times when I wish he was just home. I’m ready to go to a one firehouse job as soon as we can… Today he mentioned wanting to get his Degree.  Aye ye ye…  Time.  Money.  Frustration.  Goals.  Accomplishments.  Pride.  How can I say no?  I’ll do almost anything to help him gets to where he wants to be.  There have been changes in the far horizon we’ve pondered over but let’s just keep this one fire problem at the time, please?  Wooo.  Ok, who wants to send me money to pay for tuition 😉  Maybe

I’ll be at home and since my kids will both be in school, that doesn’t make me a stay at home mom anymore does it?  Or what?  Once a SAHM always a SAHM?  I was informed by a business professional my job description was “Domestic Engineer” when I called myself a housewife… I’m thinking thank God I didn’t get a degree in that because I haven’t been keeping up very well lately!  Anyway!  I’ll be having a lot of alone time.  I don’t want any idle hands (or mind!).  I’m not sure what I will do with my new found freedom.  I will still be able to work from home, that will cover a little stretch of time… I’m terrified if/when I ever want/need to venture back into being a part of the working class all of my skills will be obsolete.  Most of them already are just with me deciding to stay home 4 years ago.  My how technology has just bursted and changed.

We also just started working on our 1920 house.  New roof being installed soon.  SOOO much more to do.  Time.  Money.  Hard work.  Finding ridiculously half@$$3d repairs made long ago.  This house was beginning to become something I hated, from the inside out, staring at all of the things that need repairing, replacing, updated or added…  So glad to begin but it’s time for it to get rolling.

I know.  All of these things sound like good milestones and I cannot argue that.  I can however say that they are making me sad for the most part.  I know, don’t complain about getting older when so many don’t have that privilege.  I’ll have “alone” time… I need to focus on how to best spend that time.  I will occasionally have a free day with the husband when he is off and the kids are at school.  I know.  Good stuff in there but that means babies growing up and me being left not knowing what to do with it all.  Throw in the million other things that falls in all of our lives with family, friends and just life……….. I might need a brown paper bag.

Its going to change me.

I guess how is up to me.

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